David

This is a story I’ve been avoiding to tell for some time. This is a story that haunts me on a day to day basis. My heart is pounding ever so fiercely; I fear it will beat out of my chest. I must tell this story so that I may gain some peace of mind. At least that is my goal after it is all said and done. My story, like most, is about love, though despite the similarities, is unique in its own way. Thus, my story will begin.

I am a girl who once knew love, briefly, as well as true heart ache. When one is asked the definition of love, one must take in consideration all the different types of love. It is quite difficult to truly define love. John Lennon would simply say all we need is love, yet love can be the sole thing that extinguishes our inner flame, flinging you into deep desperation before you are given a chance to rekindle your flame. Love can be the one thing that holds you up above the rest, while at the same time is the one thing that allows you to plummet below your grasp. It can make you or break you. I was naïve. I believed in love. I believed in it so much, that it controlled me. I was so eager to fall in love and to give every ounce of my heart and soul to one other, that it consumed me. I was brave yet a coward. I was strong yet weak. My definition of love is that what is wanted by many, yet feared by all, it comes with such power and magic when truly pure and innocent, that when released it will possess you and take full control of your thoughts, your actions, your senses, you entirely, that is unless this is reciprocated from another, this is when love is dangerous, murderous in some cases. When a love like this isn’t matched equally, one is to only expect pain. Not just a pain in your chest, but pain all over. It can be quite excruciating in fact.

I had this once before.  It was everything one could possibly imagine. It was everything to me. From the moment we shook hands, I ached to be near him as if my life depended on it. It was as though I had taken my very first breathe of fresh air over again. I was rejuvenated. It was so bizarre. We were connected by some force that grew and grew with each passing day. My pulse would soar when we were close, when I thought of him, when his name was spoken. I felt as if I were going absolutely mad. Indeed I was just that, I was mad about him. My head would spin, clouding my thoughts when we were together. Unable to process my thoughts clearly, my voice would stumble over my words, when I spoke to him. When he touched me, a fire would grow from that spot and continue to grow until my entire body roared of his ember touch, sending chills up and down my spine.

Never knowing any of this prior to meeting him, it was all so new. Without knowing how to handle this, it consumed me. I should have been absolutely petrified of such a thing so powerful, yet there was no room for fear. My love for him flowed through me, filling every bit of me thoroughly leaving no spaces untouched. I was the puppet and love had become the puppeteer. I truly can honestly say he was the only one I have ever fully loved through and through.

Remember there are different types of love, and I will argue to the death that this was the ultimate love. If love had levels, this was the peak of Mount Everest. I know this, for my love for him flowed with such force, that it surrounded those around us. Anyone could see without a saying a word, that we were truly, madly, deeply in love. Not that anyone’s judgments would have mattered between us, but they were there and witnessed this beautiful bond between him and I. We were perfect in each other’s eyes. Without a care in the world, we eagerly gave in. We craved one another. Everyday promised us more time spent together than the day before could hold. We were inseparable. It truly was a fairytale, it was my fairytale.

Unfortunately, not every love story has a happy ending. After our brief happiness, reality began to sink in, cutting like a knife. Penetrating deep in my heart, sorrow was planted. Just as you can snap your fingers, my inner flame was out without a flicker. Anguish squeezed my heart. Reality doesn’t have a heart. Reality doesn’t believe in love. Reality has rules; everyone must follow one way or another. In reality, it wasn’t our time to shine. Though it was meant for our paths to cross, it wasn’t meant for us to stay together.

Reality, reminded us what would separate us, even if we fought. Reality always wins this battle. Grief-stricken, we could feel the end tugging at us, pulling us apart, slipping through each other’s finger tips, yet still fighting to hold on to each other. Reality had different plans for us, and separately. Time no longer stood still, everything was in full speed. Rushing to our deadline, we uttered those three words that to this day gave us new meaning forever. Tear filled eyes, overflowing onto my cheeks, voice unable to speak, trembling from head to toe, we said our farewells.

My father used to tell me that life isn’t always fair. I never understood those words fully, until 2008. I was soon to be 23 and was on a job in New Hampshire. My life forever changed, had come to its first check point and with many more to come. I am now 28 and living in central Florida on my own. I think of him often. Some days I let my guard down and my heart breaks all over again just thinking of him. Other days I stay strong and just smile when I think of him. I have no regrets of our time shared together. I have no regrets that in the end, we each took our own separate paths. I like to think that every day we both remember each other at the exact minute and what we shared together for a moment of each other’s life.

Out of sight and out of mind, doesn’t include the heart. He will forever remain in my heart as he will always have mine. To have known such a love, scares me. I am not as eager to give someone love as willingly as I had with him. I am stubborn today. This frightens me because I fear I will never truly love someone as passionately as I did with him. I fear I will cheat whoever gives me their heart. I have cared for others since him and have expressed a form of love as well, but not to the same degree. Maybe I am afraid to have that once more. Maybe I am afraid of feeling that inevitable pain again. I can only trust that with time, my wounded heart will heal properly. I know it will never fully be healed; his love has left permanent scars on my heart.

There is one who came close to achieving this. He is very dear to me and I miss him every day. Though pain had ruptured my wounds when he wasn’t ready for me, it wasn’t nearly as devastating as it was with my true love. My true love had no choice but to say goodbye, this one had a choice. Yet, I do not hold this against him. For I realized, I wasn’t ready either and I may not be for some time. To see the possibilities of what love can offer, then to have it snatched away, I can only trust that life can be fair at times. That gives me hope that I will one day trust in my heart once again.